boyfriend diagnosed last week

[Individuation]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Eileen and my boyfriend of 6 months was diagnosed with testicular cancer last week. Needless to say, this week has been really challenging. His family doesn't live here - so I'm taking care of him and am his primary emotional support. I've also let him know that he is not going through thi alone. He has surgery Wednesday and we don't know when he's starting chemo - but we were told that he's going to get ill, has to drop out of school for now, and is going to lose his hair. I'm going to be there for him and take care of him - but I'm afraid of all this. Just because this week has been so hard on him, I've been with him a lot - doing his dishes - cleaning - just taking care of the mundane stuff so he doesnt' have to. He has been thanking me profusely and I dont know how to respond. I just feel like he'd do the same if our roles were reversed. I guess what I'm afraid of is him seeing me as mother or caretaker and not his girlfriend. For other women who have gone through this - are my fears unfounded? How can I be there for him and be his girlfriend, not his mother? I want him healthy and I want our relationship to live through this. We have a strong loving wonderful relationship - and I don't want it to end. What am I in for?
I'm also afraid to watch him get weak and ill due to the chemo. Can someone reach out and tell me what's coming?

thank you
Eileen
individuation@gmail.com

[Scott]

Welcome, Eileen! First off, do you already have the pathology report and results of blood tests and CT scans? Are you certain that chemotherapy is coming?

I haven't been through chemotherapy myself, but after surgery, my wife strongly encouraged me not to sit around in a heap feeling sorry for myself. I think it's great that you're there to help him, but you might want to keep him more active instead of allowing full time wallowing.

[Mom]

Eileen, you and your boyfriend are going to have to take this one step at a time. It is an emotional and physical roller coaster, up one day and down the next. However, you will get off the ride, maybe a little shook, but intact. Don't worry about him not being able to distinguish the difference between you as a caregiver/girlfriend and his mother. Believe me, its not going to happen. Chemo is rough and he will lose his hair but it is nothing that you both can't get through. He will lose a semester at school, but when the chemo is over, he will very quickly get back to normal. My son was living with his financee when he was diagnosed, she watched him cry, slept in a cot at the hospital while he went through chemo, hugged him when he needed it, and watched him go bald and gain 30 pounds. He needed her a lot more than he needed me. I will always be grateful to her. They got married in Mexico four months later (with hair and without weight) and honeymooned in Belize. If your boyfriend hasn't already banked sperm, please suggest it to him to be on the safe side. He is lucky to have you. Dianne

[jane998]

My fiance was diagnosed three years ago. I looked after him through the diagnosis, waiting, surgery and years of followup. Looking after each other when you're ill is part of a normal relationship, and I'm sure he won't think of you like a mother. As you say, he'd do the same for you, it's just about taking care of each other.

I think the most important things are to keep being open and honest with each other, keep reassuring him about how much you love him whatever happens, and let him support you when you're feeling weak as well. That will keep things more balanced, and looking after you a bit might give him a break from his own feelings!

We found the experience very traumatic, but it brought us much closer together and made us a lot stronger. Now, three years later, we're getting married and planning a future together, so there is life after cancer!

Good luck, stick with it and I'm sure you'll get through it together and in one piece.

Jane

[Individuation]

Thanks Scott,

All we know so far is that he has two tumors in his right testicle. They're inside, so a regular testicular exam wouldn't have caught them. He's having the testicle removed, and the cheif oncologist told him that he would need chemo - and that it would be the old school stuff that makes hair fall out and causes weakness. His CT scan was done last week. The student health clinic doctor called him (not the oncologist, which we thought was wierd) and they said that at a preliminary glance it looks good. It doesn't look like it's in his lymphnodes and there are no visible tumors. My boyfriend is still waiting to hear that there is definitively nothing before he celebrates that too much.

Eileen

Welcome, Eileen! First off, do you already have the pathology report and results of blood tests and CT scans? Are you certain that chemotherapy is coming?

I haven't been through chemotherapy myself, but after surgery, my wife strongly encouraged me not to sit around in a heap feeling sorry for myself. I think it's great that you're there to help him, but you might want to keep him more active instead of allowing full time wallowing.

[dadmo]

Individuation:
If the doctor who read the scans is correct and there has been no spread to the lymph nodes or lungs your boyfriend should not need chemo. It could all be over when the testicle is removed. It would be great if he could go into a surveillance schedule.

[Individuation]

Wow! That really is great news.
I'm not going to tell him though, just in case that's not what happens. His doctor made it seem 100% certain that chemo was coming _and_ that it would have to be the really harsh kind. Maybe because of his having 2 tumors? I don't know.

Individuation:
If the doctor who read the scans is correct and there has been no spread to the lymph nodes or lungs your boyfriend should not need chemo. It could all be over when the testicle is removed. It would be great if he could go into a surveillance schedule.

[Individuation]

What a wonderful and uplifting story about your son. Thank you so much. My boyfriend's mother lives in California (we're in Chicago, IL) - so I've been in touch with her too. I know she's really glad that I'm there for him. I think the exact quote of my boyfriend was "You could punch me in the head 10 times a day and my mother would still love you." :) Thanks for your support and I'm glad your son is doing so well!
Eileen

Eileen, you and your boyfriend are going to have to take this one step at a time. It is an emotional and physical roller coaster, up one day and down the next. However, you will get off the ride, maybe a little shook, but intact. Don't worry about him not being able to distinguish the difference between you as a caregiver/girlfriend and his mother. Believe me, its not going to happen. Chemo is rough and he will lose his hair but it is nothing that you both can't get through. He will lose a semester at school, but when the chemo is over, he will very quickly get back to normal. My son was living with his financee when he was diagnosed, she watched him cry, slept in a cot at the hospital while he went through chemo, hugged him when he needed it, and watched him go bald and gain 30 pounds. He needed her a lot more than he needed me. I will always be grateful to her. They got married in Mexico four months later (with hair and without weight) and honeymooned in Belize. If your boyfriend hasn't already banked sperm, please suggest it to him to be on the safe side. He is lucky to have you. Dianne

[Individuation]

Thanks Jane! It's good to hear from others who have gone through this. Congratulations on your upcoming nuputials!! Much health and happiness to you both!

Eileen

My fiance was diagnosed three years ago. I looked after him through the diagnosis, waiting, surgery and years of followup. Looking after each other when you're ill is part of a normal relationship, and I'm sure he won't think of you like a mother. As you say, he'd do the same for you, it's just about taking care of each other.

I think the most important things are to keep being open and honest with each other, keep reassuring him about how much you love him whatever happens, and let him support you when you're feeling weak as well. That will keep things more balanced, and looking after you a bit might give him a break from his own feelings!

We found the experience very traumatic, but it brought us much closer together and made us a lot stronger. Now, three years later, we're getting married and planning a future together, so there is life after cancer!

Good luck, stick with it and I'm sure you'll get through it together and in one piece.

Jane

[Scott]

His doctor made it seem 100% certain that chemo was coming...Unless you have more information already, it's too early for him to say that. You need to know whether it's seminoma or non-seminoma, what his blood test results are, and whether there are any signs of spread.

[Individuation]

My best friend is a doctor and said that the oncologist must have been pretty sure to have said it. She said some other reasons that I can't recall right now - but I do think it's pretty certain.

Eileen

Unless you have more information already, it's too early for him to say that. You need to know whether it's seminoma or non-seminoma, what his blood test results are, and whether there are any signs of spread.

[Scott]

Has he had blood drawn and tested for AFP, hCG, and LDH? Do you know the results?

[Individuation]

I know that hCg was present (pregnancy hormone, right?) and a very high level of estrogen. I don't know about the other stuff.

Has he had blood drawn and tested for AFP, hCG, and LDH? Do you know the results?

[dadmo]

Individuation:
As you can tell from the post here chemo is not assured until all of the test results are in. I know how easy it is to get lost in all the confussion but it is very important to become as informed as possible. In this case knowledge is true power. Stay strong and understand that everything will be alright.

[Individuation]

He just called... on second look at his catscan there are lymphnodes in his abdomen that are a few centimeters bigger than they should be. He goes in for surgery tomorrow ... I'm a lot more afraid than I thought I would be.

Please pray, wish, send vibes, or whatever.
I love this man a lot.

E

Individuation:
As you can tell from the post here chemo is not assured until all of the test results are in. I know how easy it is to get lost in all the confussion but it is very important to become as informed as possible. In this case knowledge is true power. Stay strong and understand that everything will be alright.

[Scott]

Since it does appear to have spread, surveillance won't be an option. You still need the pathology report and blood test results to guide the choice of treatment. The decision factors and standard treatment options are documented in this publication (http://www.nccn.org/professionals/physician_gls/PDF/testicular.pdf).

Let him know we're out here wishing him the best tomorrow!

[dadmo]

Individuation:
I don't want you to worry anymore then you need to, this operation is very simple. It's basicly the same one they would do for a hernia. The incesion will be in his lower stomach, just below the belt line, on the side that the testicle will be removed from. It's usually a one night stay and if done early he may come home the same day. To make him comfortable bring a pair of losse fitting pants for him to wear home. He will not want to wear anything tight. Check back in after to operation and we can try and guide you thru the rest of his treatment.

[Don]

Best of luck with the surgery tomorrow!!!! As other might have already said --due to the the sensitivity of the area being operated on many men have visions of an agonizing surgery when in actuallity its really not too bad... Hopefully this surgery alone will be the cure!!!!! DON

[Larry B.]

Eileen,

1st and fore-mostly important. Have yourself and partner educated as much as possible about treatment options, and recommendations. There are few specialists in this field, and having one of them in the mix is so important. Many will give second opinions over e-mails or phone call. I got mine from Indiana University. As for the surgery, It is nothing (at least it was not for me). I was diagnosed last July, and I am sitting here after Surgery and Chemo treatments feeling like my old self. I know this sounds a little meaningless, but if your partner is to get cancer, this is the one to get. I am pretty sure that it has the best cure rate of any out there. Keep a positive attitude, and stay informed. Please keep us informed also. Keep your head up, and don’t fret over feeling weird taking care of him. It is what makes us all human after all. Best wishes.

[huckchef]

hope all is going well!!! the surgery should be a breeze.... i know because i had two of them!! just take it easy for a day or two and things will get better. be positive for each other and always cry if you need to. it helps!! best of luck!
my thoughts and prayers, brian :)

[amorgan74]

Hey Eileen: I guess by now the surgery has been done. Hope everything went well and everybody is home now. There should be a pathology report after surgery and it usually includes the make up of the cancer and the staging. It will tell what kind(s) of tc are there and how advanced it is. If you have that information you will be able to go in a find others with the same results and read what their treatment plans were and follow along with how they did through treatment. I was just thinking about both of you and hoping everything went well. April :)

[Individuation]

Let him know we're out here wishing him the best tomorrow!

Thanks Scott. I told him about this forum, but he's not really ready to share and he's not as much of as a net geek as I am - so this is a little strange for him. I didn't tell him that I'd already posted, but told him that if he had questions I could post them here and get answers from people who have lived through it.

His surgery went as well as can be expected. He's sore, but his mother and I are taking care of him. I think the greatest damage is psychological and emotional - he's said he feels disfigured. I've told him that I think he's gorgeous no matter what - but I think that's going to take time.

[Individuation]

Individuation:
I don't want you to worry anymore then you need to, this operation is very simple. It's basicly the same one they would do for a hernia. The incesion will be in his lower stomach, just below the belt line, on the side that the testicle will be removed from. It's usually a one night stay and if done early he may come home the same day. To make him comfortable bring a pair of losse fitting pants for him to wear home. He will not want to wear anything tight. Check back in after to operation and we can try and guide you thru the rest of his treatment.

Thank you! His procedure was out patient, and really relatively quick. Coming out of the anesthesia took longer than the operation itself. I bought him some soft pj pants - and we're keeping him on vicodin and ice packs to ease the pain. He's got a strong support system in his friends. I'll certainly check in with any questions.

[Individuation]

Eileen,

1st and fore-mostly important. Have yourself and partner educated as much as possible about treatment options, and recommendations. There are few specialists in this field, and having one of them in the mix is so important. Many will give second opinions over e-mails or phone call. I got mine from Indiana University. As for the surgery, It is nothing (at least it was not for me). I was diagnosed last July, and I am sitting here after Surgery and Chemo treatments feeling like my old self. I know this sounds a little meaningless, but if your partner is to get cancer, this is the one to get. I am pretty sure that it has the best cure rate of any out there. Keep a positive attitude, and stay informed. Please keep us informed also. Keep your head up, and don’t fret over feeling weird taking care of him. It is what makes us all human after all. Best wishes.

Dear Larry,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. He's getting his treatments at the University of Chicago hospitals, as he is/was a law student there. It's so good to hear that from July to today you're feeling like your old self. That's what I WANT to hear. He and I actually met last July, and it doesn't seem like it was that long ago - so I really think we're gonna make it through this okay. I'm feeling better about taking care of him because I've been really honest and open with him about how I feel and he's been really supportive and wonderful. He's very appreciative and very sweet - and his family and friends are also being very supportive and appreciative. Sometimes I'm embarrassed at how much I'm being thanked, but seeing my love healthy will be the best reward ever.
take care,
Eileen

[Individuation]

Hey Eileen: I guess by now the surgery has been done. Hope everything went well and everybody is home now. There should be a pathology report after surgery and it usually includes the make up of the cancer and the staging. It will tell what kind(s) of tc are there and how advanced it is. If you have that information you will be able to go in a find others with the same results and read what their treatment plans were and follow along with how they did through treatment. I was just thinking about both of you and hoping everything went well. April :)

Thanks April, it feels good to know so many people are sending positive energy our way. We were told we'd get the pathology report back on Monday.

E

[dadmo]

I think the greatest damage is psychological and emotional - he's said he feels disfigured. It's an awful thing to say but he is disfigured in the same way a woman would be if she had to have a breast removed. To the loved ones it is meaningless but to the patient it is life altering. It will take some time but this too shall pass. Stay strong for him and visit us often.

[Mitch]

Hi Eileen--

I wanted to post to let you know that I had most of my treatment done at U of C hospitals while I was a law student there (graduated in 03). My story is posted on this site in the story section. The school was very helpful and understanding. If your boyfriend is still a student there, he should certainly speak to the dean of students and registrar, as well as all of his profs. Please let him know that if he needs anything--wants to chat about being in law school and going through chemo, etc -- I am more than willing to chat via email or phone.

He is in good hands at U of C, and if he does his chemo there, the nurses are wonderful.

All my best,
Mitch

[huckchef]

its great that he has your support!! he as well as you will need a shoulder to lean on and dont hesitate to cry. it helps!! it will take some time and there will be good and bad days and just remember that it will all be back to "normal" soon. stay positive and give faith a chance and something positive will come from this! best of luck and continued success. god bless, brian.

[Havok]

Its good to hear that all went well. The most important thing is that you and his friends are there for him. Taking care of him is what happens in a relationship, That is what it is about. I often appoligized to my wife during both of my surgurys and dr.s visits and all the other stuff. She just looked at me and said "For better or worse" and smiled. I can honestly say that i would not have delt with having TC twice, as well as i did if it was not for her. Its Wifes, Girlfriends, Mothers, Sisters, Brothers, Dads and Friends just like you that help us get through this. Im sure that he is greatfull that you are there for him.

[Individuation]

Hi Mitch,
My AIM id is Individuat If you have an account please feel free to contact me.

Eileen

Hi Eileen--

I wanted to post to let you know that I had most of my treatment done at U of C hospitals while I was a law student there (graduated in 03). My story is posted on this site in the story section. The school was very helpful and understanding. If your boyfriend is still a student there, he should certainly speak to the dean of students and registrar, as well as all of his profs. Please let him know that if he needs anything--wants to chat about being in law school and going through chemo, etc -- I am more than willing to chat via email or phone.

He is in good hands at U of C, and if he does his chemo there, the nurses are wonderful.

All my best,
Mitch

[huckchef]

any updates!!! hope all is going well!!!

[HZence]

Chemotherapy can be a real *****. I went through it this past summer. It takes a huge toll on the body, targeting quickly reproducing cells - not limited to just cancer - but including hair folicles, white blood cells, and even sperm. As a result you may notice that your boyfriend grows excessively tired quickly, and some days may be plain worn out altogether. He may also experience a decrease in sex-drive. I recommend that he shave his head so he doesn't wake up and find chunks of hair in his pillow one day...haha. You say he's in school, so I assume you guys are fairly young. At this age you may notice an alterior side effect: acne. Part of chemotherapy is sterroids, which may make you break out severely, due in part to your already active hormones.

I met with a guy who was going through chemo right before I started. He compared the experience to being pregnant, in that you become increasingly sensitive to smell. Some foods will seem absolutely disgusting (to the point of inducinig nausea at the mere though), and others you'll have an absolute craving for. I used to love Peanut Butter Cups before I went on chemo. I'd get cravings for them frequently. Then one day along the lines, they just sounded absoutely disgusting to me.

Remember, be patient with him. Chemo takes a huge emotionally as well. If he has a history of anxiety, it may not be unusual for him to have attacks now and then.

The best thing you can do for your boyfriend is listen to him when he wants to talk, and try to keep him happy. There's only so much you can do, though. There may be days where he just wants to be alone. Give him that space if he wants it. Don't try too hard though. ;)

If there's any other advice you need, feel free to let me know. Hope things go well...keep your chins up.