I tried not to be but I am really angry

[Margaret]

I sat in the dark last night, listening to Boyce snore, thinking about Les and Pam and I got so angry. My mind was spinning like a category 5 hurricane, the more I thought, the angrier I became. I am not usually an angry person, I try to look at life with very sunny eyes, but right now…today…I am just plain pissed off.

I used to know everyone here on this forum. I knew all your names, locations, stage and where you were in your treatment. And now, every day there is a new face, a new handle looking at me…new fears, new worries, new families are being shredded by this disease. I can’t even keep up anymore. I am glad they are finding our site but is it just me or do there seem to be more and more people getting sick? I hope it is that our site is just reaching more people in need. But it feels like cancer has become this quick moving brush fire.

I watched Danny’s mom during the LiveStrong challenge and her heart was so crushed. I remember being 11 years old and I broke my arm at camp. I was half in shock, in and out of the waves of pain as I heard the doctor tell my mom, ‘this will be hard to repair because she did not break the bone, she crushed it’. That arm still aches as I type as a reminder to that day. Cancer is not breaking hearts, it is crushing them. How do you heal a crushed heart?

I am really frustrated.

Cancer is a thief in the night, invading our homes and stealing from us. All of us have had so many things taken away, brothers, fathers, friends, lovers, husbands and sons….and of course we have all been robbed of peace of mind. That safe feeling when cancer happened to someone we knew but not to us, that feeling will now elude me forever. And for all the perspective it gave to me; all I can think about today is what it has taken. I held my neighbors’ new baby daughter and inhaled her new baby scent and I admit I feel cheated. But how can I feel cheated when so many here have lost so much more?

I am angry, angry, angry angry angry angry and even more angry that Pam has to watch cancer attack her son, or that Danny is not in New York with Michael finding ways to get into mischief, or that Wheeler is not at home for the holidays with Emily. And for so many more that I have not mentioned. Cancer is a coward. I want to fight it face to face and use all this angry energy against it. I love Rocky movies and by the final scene I swear I am so pumped up that I could get in that ring and take someone’s block off. Rocky keeps getting hit by that Russian in Rocky IV and the more he hits the more Rocky say ‘Come on!’. I wish I could take on this fight for the ones who are too weak to fight. I am mad and I have lots of energy to spare. I am so pissed off. I really am and my heart hurts and I can’t do anything to make it heal.

So I talk to God and I don’t want him to think I am angry with him because I don’t blame him…I don’t understand either…but I want to wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and hold on tight like a monkey and beg him to fix it all and make it all go away. Save them please I would beg and do beg.

I know the holidays are getting to me. I day dream about delighted faces, whispers to Santa and the smell of fresh baked pies. I just want things to be simpler; I just want good people to not suffer. I want Pam and Les to have their miracle. They deserve it.

Eye of the tiger Les, I will try (even pissed off) to not stop believing. Keep fighting, we are here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AemCeiuI_k&feature=related

love,

m

[Already Bald]

Cancer is a coward.

Well said, Margaret.
I know exactly how you feel, with the new avatars here- to many to keep track of.
I know how you feel about our beloved brothers who have been lost- and others cancer patients as well who have fought the good fight.
I get angry too:Majbritt and I were comparing scars yesterday- I am a bit deformed from this recent surgery- the doc even apologized. Majbritt is really unhappy with her big belly scar- and we were just talking about how Cancer has snuck into our lives and scarred us forever. The ki ask questions, what do we say?

I love your quote: "Cancer is a Coward".

I hope you feel better, it is not like you to be angry. But anger can be a great motivator...
I know you, Margaret- you will turn it into action, and you and Boyce will make a difference on this earth and leave it better than you have found it.

Peace,
Joe

[Margaret]

I miss you Joe...and for the record, I am so mad that you and your beautiful wife have been through so much this year. I just want to yell at cancer and say "back off-these people have had a enough!"...and I try really hard not to use the "f" word. One: for fear that Scott will remove my post ;) and two: because a lady really should not use words like that :D. But when the chips keep stacking up against wonderful people like you and it also makes me think of sweet Clint and Jerry, I just shake my head and wonder...WTF. :o

[TCLEFT]

"Anger is not only inevitable, but it is necessary. For in its place is indifference, the worst of all human qualities."

Take heart my Family. I know how hard that can be. Within here exists the very best of Human quality. I know no reason why "Heart Crushing" reality attacks the very best of Humanity. I don't believe the disease brought those qualities out. It only gave us a reason (a sh*tty one granted), to congregate here. There are no fallen, only those that wait for us in paradise. Still, we have a right to get angry at this abomination. You're all incapable of being indifferent. For that, you have my deepest affection.
Much Love,
Mark

[Aegletes]

I must have read your post three times, Margaret, mostly because it reflects a lot of what I've been thinking when I see so many new people on this forum, think about Joe and Majbritt, reflect on Clint and Jerry, ache because of what Les and Pam are enduring, and am constantly touched by Emily's posts which are so much from the heart, just to name a few individuals.

The one word that always comes up when I think of the effect of this disease is robbed. Robbed of loved ones, robbed of peace of mind, robbed of the ability to have children, robbed of innocence with respect to one's own health. It's only natural to be angry about that. We wouldn't be human if we didn't react that way.

However, what I've noticed as a result of getting to know you and everyone else here is that if I'm angry now, it's not because of what cancer has robbed me of, but rather what it has taken from you and everyone here. That's the one thing I suppose I've gained from cancer: compassion. So for me, the flip side of anger has been compassion and, to that extent, feeling anger is perfectly OK. It's what we do with that anger that matters.

And as for cursing, well, take it from a New Jersey guy: go ahead and curse up a storm. Trust me, it feels good. And you won't be any less the lovely Southern lady you are for doing so.

[dadmo]

Cancer is so much more then a physical disease. How do I ever replace the innocence Jaymo lost? How do I repair the tear in Nancy’s heart? How do I fix what hurts inside me? Every time this song comes on the radio I remember what it felt like when Jaymo was sick.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

{Jordin}
If I should die before I wake
It's cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

{Chris Brown}
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I could make you understand

{Jordin}
But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

{CHORUS}
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There'a no air, no air

[Chris Brown]
I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground, to flow to you
There's no gravity to hold me down, for real

{Jordin}
But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care
So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me
Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

{CHORUS}
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

[Fish]

Dearest Margaret,

I understand so well what you're feeling. 2008 was the 30th anniversary of my mother's death from breast cancer, the 20th of my first TC diagnosis, and the 5th of my second. I was and to a certain degree still am angry as well.

One thing I've learned is that once cancer hits you or a loved one, you can never go back. As Bill said innocence is lost and hearts are torn. While you might be able to pick up the pieces, you'll never be able to put them together in the same order they were before.

Still, I've learned to have hope for the future. 50 years ago a diagnosis of TC was pretty much a death sentance - now, although we still lose too many men of all ages to this disease, there are so many more who survive and thrive.

I've had to learn to build a new reality, one where pain and loss are never too far out of sight, but that also holds out the possiblilty of hope - for better days ahead. Folks like you and the rest of our forum family keep that hope alive.

I hope you can let go of some of the anger and re-gain some peace and hope. Although the journey through this life may be long and arduous, I'm glad to have you and the rest of Forum Family right beside me, every step of the way.

Much love,
Fish

[Jay68442]

I truly understand anger and the reasons many have to feel angry. I was angry when I was diagnosed. I was angry when I relapsed. But that anger didn’t last very long. Anger to me is wasted energy. I don’t have time for it nor do I want to feel angry. Instead I redirect myself and turn my anger into action. I use it to drive me, as motivation. I use it to help others. I use it for strength. I have had a pretty ****ty life and have plenty to be angry about but where would that take me? I have come to understand that whatever my life has been it is what made me who I am and I accept that. I prefer happiness over angry so I make an effort to be happy no matter what. This is just my way. The path of least resistance. I’m not telling others they shouldn’t be angry. I’m just expressing how I feel.
If you need to knock down a wall, please do. If you need to scream, yell, whatever works..do it. Whatever works for you.

I too hate to see all of the new visitors and sometimes pause before reading their story. I say to myself do I really want to read about someone else’s pain? But then I stop and think maybe I can give them just a little peace. Whether in the form of an answer to a question or simply making them feel like they are not alone. Because in the end I know I would want others to help me. So instead of getting angry I try to help.

LiveStrong
Jason

[CharlieFL]

Margaret, believe me when I say that I get angry many more times than I should - even angry at God :eek:. Yep, I do. But, there is one clear thing I have learned in life (and my dear wife reminds me of this constantly!): ANGER IS THE ENEMY. You see, the one sure way that the enemy (you know who I mean) can get inside of you is through anger - and he tries so very hard! Anger is a guardian of emotions and it only stops when your emotional energy is exhausted. Impatience, annoyance, rage - all are close cousins of anger. The most important thing to remember is that anger is a SYMPTOM, not a cause - it is a signal that says you're pissed off about something but at the same time it can be an effective tool that propels you into action (hence, this is why you are posting this today and it's why you are involved with Livestrong and why you choose to LOVE your husband and son more each day!).

As for me, God already KNOWS I am angry about what's happening to Les and I'm angry because Cancer's already taken Danny and Wheeler and so many others away. But, I choose NOT to wear my anger on my sleeve because when it's all said and done, I KNOW that Les (and Danny and Wheeler) are being taken care of in the manner that was planned for them. And, I have accepted that there is not a darn thing I can do about it - EXCEPT get even closer to God and pray hard for them, for everyone else here and for myself and my family.

Just remember this, Margaret: Angry or Happy - YOU ARE THE BEST!

"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" Ephesians 4:26

[Scott]

"Anger is not only inevitable, but it is necessary. For in its place is indifference, the worst of all human qualities."I like that quote, especially when combined with these. The collection may seem mutually incompatible, but I don't think so.
"Anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way; this is not easy." -- Aristotle
"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." -- Marcus Aurelius

[Les' Mom]

Dear Margaret....----------------------Thanks for being angry, I am just to tired to do it :o

[Mrs Moggi]

You all have written sentiments close to my heart. Most of my anger stems from compassion. Of course I wish that my family hadn't been personally affected by cancer but let's face it, we got off easy.

I am angry that cancer is still taking away people and that no matter how much I do it won't be enough. The one thing that kept running through my mind during the 60-mile walk was that even if I kept walking, 20 mile every day, forever, Les was still going to be sick. Danny and Wheeler will still have died. And that all of the rest of you, and many others will still have to faced chemo and surgery and everything else this disease has to dish up.

That being said, at the end of the walk, when we honored the survivors and it was announced that we raised more than $8million in one weekend I felt like together maybe we could make a difference. And I feel the same way when I signed up for the Livestrong challenge. Together we can get enough funds into the right hands, into Fed's hands and those of his fellow researchers so that they can find a cure (no pressure here Fed!).

We've seen what Margaret can do when she's not so angry - think Durham Bulls with Boyce. I can't wait to see what she, and Boyce, and everyone else here does once we harness that anger.

WATCH OUT CANCER - HERE WE COME!!!

[Smartie]

I really understand the anger, Margaret.

I guess I tend to bury my feelings, so it took me a long time to realise that I am angry with cancer. It killed my grandparents and my stepdad, and it had a go at me. I resist any temptation to say that I fought it and won, because I didn't. In fact I rolled over and felt utterly defeated - meanwhile doctors, nurses and researchers, along with my family and friends, fought the battle on my behalf. I owe them everything. I can't ever thank them adequately, but I should try harder than I do. Maybe I'm a little angry that I was so passive.

I've tried to use my anger to drive me to positive things. That's why I've spent the last few years studying poetry and literature. I love it and it feels like I'm achieving things. mark's quotation strikes a chord with me. Before I was ill I was indifferent. Life was something that happened to me- I worked in a shoe factory for 13 years, just because I couldn't be bothered to change things. Now I make things happen. It feels great to do things I choose, rather than letting life do things to me.

You can't decide not to be angry, but you can decide how to be angry.

[michaelswife]

I feel like my entire existence now is about being angry. My husband died in July,10 mos after his diagnosis. I am a 35 year old widow raising two sons 2and 4. Most of the time I feel like the worst mother in the world because I am at my wits end with my children, and I wake up every day just wanting to get through it and to get the day over. There are so many parents on this website literally fighting for their sons lives, and my patience with my precious children are diminished because of the cancer that killed my husband. The question that I have about TC is " who is lookig for it and screening for it". To me it seems like NO ONE. So many of us have mentioned MISDIAGNOSIS too many times, and to me that does not seem to be changing. My husband was treated for migranes and high blood pressure for 2 months. Our family doc did not consider TC until my husbnand was rushed to ER for symptoms and pain from 8-10 brain mets. How often are are family docs examining testicles or referring to specialists for TC concerns. How often are they educating young men about the risk and symptoms of TC. I am pretty well educated and I did not know that my husband was in the at risk age group for TC. I should have known!!! It should be more in your face (not literally :p), like breast cancer is. The awareness is not there, and I don't know why. Is there a national TC \awareness week or screening? If not, why not? This might stem from some of my own guilt about what I should of done, or could of done or what if we did.................Would my husband have had a better outcome?? or was this just God's plan for him:confused:. The stupidest plan in the world.

Abby

[petep]

a couple years ago I was with a small group and we spent a few hours with nando parrado - he was one of the guys in the andes mountain crash in the 1970s...they were up on that mountain for nearly 3 months, in winter, at 12,000 feet, with summer clothes....there was a book and movie, titled alive. Nando, was one of the two guys that manage to hike out and eventually the survivors were rescued.

sometimes you get angry because you can not control something, or you want answers and can not get them...it can be overwhelming...

nando related a few stories...

one day after rugby practice, a teammate chartering the plane for their upcoming tournament told them there were two extra spots...first come, first serve...he thought nothing of it, and a moment later he felt a quarter in his practice shorts...and ran to a pay phone in the school, called home...and invited his mom and sister....he ran back to the teammates, to claim the two spots....they both died in the ordeal....he said this haunted him for years...why did he have a quarter in his shorts, where did it come from, why did he invite them??? no answers.

Also, he said as they boarded, there was no assigned seating...he happened to choose row 19...and in the crash, when the plane was split in half, all behind him were killed...why did he choose row 19? He had many friends further back, why didn't he sit with them, or his mom???

Last, the fuselage was split in half, the open end facing up the mountain...they slept along the floor at night, one lying next to the other, head to toe, toe to head, from the back of the fuselage, to the front - each night they'd pick a spot....one night, in complete darkness there was an avalanche that filled the plane with snow...those closest to the opening were buried 6 feet of snow on top of them...those closest to the cockpit only a couple feet of snow covering them...those folks extricated themselves, and quickly went to work in the dark, digging out their friends....he was awake, buried, and towards the opening....resigned that he would die...out of breath, could not move...and then a moment later, as soon as he accepted death, a hand scratched his face, and he was free...but he was the last one that they were able to save...the others closer to the opening all suffocated....why did he choose that particular spot???

One of the powerful lessons he said he shared, was to learn to stop asking why. Because sometimes there is not an answer, and you will go crazy asking...sometimes it just is, and the lesson is devote your energy on what to do under the circumstances...

I remember seeing all the little kids that were cancer patients...it would cause so much pain in my heart and stomach to see a child sick, and the fear in their parents eyes...so much pain that you can almost not bear it....I could use a lifetime asking why...intellectually knowing i'll never get an answer...it just is, and all you can do is reach out to them.

I have been busy lately on not on the forums much...and it is good to be back on the forums...but I know your anger is temporary...your advice and counsel and words have helped so many here, that perhaps that is the one answerable why in all of this....maybe this was part of your calling, to be able to help so many that need help.

pete

[Scott]

I think it is OK to have anger, but try to push it into a small room.Even better if you are able, transform it instead of storing it. Use it as fuel. Burn it up through action.

The music blared during my spin class this morning: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

[Already Bald]

a couple years ago I was with a small group and we spent a few hours with nando parrado - he was one of the guys in the andes mountain crash in the 1970s...they were up on that mountain for nearly 3 months, in winter, at 12,000 feet, with summer clothes....there was a book and movie, titled alive. Nando, was one of the two guys that manage to hike out and eventually the survivors were rescued.

sometimes you get angry because you can not control something, or you want answers and can not get them...it can be overwhelming...

nando related a few stories...

one day after rugby practice, a teammate chartering the plane for their upcoming tournament told them there were two extra spots...first come, first serve...he thought nothing of it, and a moment later he felt a quarter in his practice shorts...and ran to a pay phone in the school, called home...and invited his mom and sister....he ran back to the teammates, to claim the two spots....they both died in the ordeal....he said this haunted him for years...why did he have a quarter in his shorts, where did it come from, why did he invite them??? no answers.

Also, he said as they boarded, there was no assigned seating...he happened to choose row 19...and in the crash, when the plane was split in half, all behind him were killed...why did he choose row 19? He had many friends further back, why didn't he sit with them, or his mom???

Last, the fuselage was split in half, the open end facing up the mountain...they slept along the floor at night, one lying next to the other, head to toe, toe to head, from the back of the fuselage, to the front - each night they'd pick a spot....one night, in complete darkness there was an avalanche that filled the plane with snow...those closest to the opening were buried 6 feet of snow on top of them...those closest to the cockpit only a couple feet of snow covering them...those folks extricated themselves, and quickly went to work in the dark, digging out their friends....he was awake, buried, and towards the opening....resigned that he would die...out of breath, could not move...and then a moment later, as soon as he accepted death, a hand scratched his face, and he was free...but he was the last one that they were able to save...the others closer to the opening all suffocated....why did he choose that particular spot???

One of the powerful lessons he said he shared, was to learn to stop asking why. Because sometimes there is not an answer, and you will go crazy asking...sometimes it just is, and the lesson is devote your energy on what to do under the circumstances...

I remember seeing all the little kids that were cancer patients...it would cause so much pain in my heart and stomach to see a child sick, and the fear in their parents eyes...so much pain that you can almost not bear it....I could use a lifetime asking why...intellectually knowing i'll never get an answer...it just is, and all you can do is reach out to them.

I have been busy lately on not on the forums much...and it is good to be back on the forums...but I know your anger is temporary...your advice and counsel and words have helped so many here, that perhaps that is the one answerable why in all of this....maybe this was part of your calling, to be able to help so many that need help.

pete

Where've you been, Pete?
We've missed you.
Welcome back, and great post.
Joe

[mahalomom]

Margaret, I understand all that you are feeling. You have put into words much of what I am also feeling. How can we not feel any anger at cancer? I think it's a natural stage in a progression of feelings. The key is to not get stuck there. I have no doubt that you will not be stuck there (me either). We are sunny side up people. Like Rocky when he gets hit, it stops him in his tracks, he pauses, gets angry and hits back. If we don't recognize our anger then we don't acknowledge our truth. I think that's the healthiest thing we can do.
Hugs,
Mary Ann

[Margaret]

I feel like my entire existence now is about being angry. My husband died in July,10 mos after his diagnosis. I am a 35 year old widow raising two sons 2and 4. Most of the time I feel like the worst mother in the world because I am at my wits end with my children, and I wake up every day just wanting to get through it and to get the day over. There are so many parents on this website literally fighting for their sons lives, and my patience with my precious children are diminished because of the cancer that killed my husband. The question that I have about TC is " who is lookig for it and screening for it". To me it seems like NO ONE. So many of us have mentioned MISDIAGNOSIS too many times, and to me that does not seem to be changing. My husband was treated for migranes and high blood pressure for 2 months. Our family doc did not consider TC until my husbnand was rushed to ER for symptoms and pain from 8-10 brain mets. How often are are family docs examining testicles or referring to specialists for TC concerns. How often are they educating young men about the risk and symptoms of TC. I am pretty well educated and I did not know that my husband was in the at risk age group for TC. I should have known!!! It should be more in your face (not literally :p), like breast cancer is. The awareness is not there, and I don't know why. Is there a national TC \awareness week or screening? If not, why not? This might stem from some of my own guilt about what I should of done, or could of done or what if we did.................Would my husband have had a better outcome?? or was this just God's plan for him:confused:. The stupidest plan in the world.

Abby

Abby, I really feel for you and the situation you are in. I wish I lived near by and could stop by and hold those sweet babies of yours and give you a break. Do you have a support system that can help you. I don't understand God's plan either but I pray for a happy future for you, you deserve it.

[MRMRSU]

Margaret, my very witty friend...your thread strikes a nerve that's sensitive for so many of us. Wishing like a child that there was some magic wand that would make it all better.

Abby, I ache for you and for the loss. I wish you peace.

[veryworriedmom]

Margaret, you said it well, and like Maria said you struck a raw nerve in all of us. Seeing all the new names and the painful circumstances hurts to read them. I feel helpless as I read , there are not enough words to console those who have lost and those who endure the battle. Thanks for all the support you give to the forum and putting into words what is difficult to express. Marion

[Chris'Mom]

Margaret, I also agree with all your frustrations.....feeling down today...just read that every time Chris gets a cat scan....he is having about 500 chest xrays...that is how much exposure every time....just down that my only son has to go thru that....I worry so much....he is only 23 and has already had more hospital visits than I have had in 49 years....guess just feeling sorry for myself.....and a week after Xmas he is scheduled for an implant and needs more surgery...I hate what cancer has done.....to all of us here..and to my son who is nothing but good.....and never feels sorry for himself.......thanks for listening....Mary Ellen

[daudi]

I really feel very sorry for you Margaret and Abby.I always before sleeping take time to ask about where cancer came from, why it is so selective, why it is so unmanageable and every time I ask all these questions I am left even more troubled.It is therefore normal to feel angry from this disease.What matters is how we deal with the anger.
I outline the approach I have developed to cope with my anger.
1.Understand your anger- before you go to bed ensure you really reflect on your emotional state to identify what is it that you are angry about.Without understanding the anger, you cannot make any conscious move to address it.
2. Express yourself constructively - just as research has shown, writing your feelings down provides a way of relieving the pain from anger.Find time to express your self onto a paper, to a close friend and of course in this forum.What Margaret and Abby have done by expressing themselves here is quite helpful.
3.Take action- once it is clear what is causing your anger, try to work out through some cause of actions.In this case, the justification for taking an action is to let you move on.If we stay held by anger it can turn into a very bad vicious cycle that will engulf us to a point of seeing only black out in our lives.You can decide any action.For me I never used to go to the gym but I resolved to go there even though I am left with the energy of a 100 old person.I also whenever I am faced with difficulties find encouragement by reading autobiographies of successful people who beat cancer yet they continue to make difference in their simple lives. For Abby I am really concerned about your beautiful sons and I pray that God will be with you that they will never lack in anything.
At any particular time we have to be ready to accept our fate and go on.

A Final Encouragement Poem

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

[ebfun7]

Margaret,

I just wanted to chime in. I completly understand how you are feeling. I try not to be angry. I try to just be greateful that we have gotten this far. But somedays I look at my husband and I think how much cancer has taken from us. Don't get me wrong my husband is doing well for where he was. But he still has some hearing problems, his hair on his head has never grown back normal, and it took away our ability to have more kids. It just makes me angry. I recently had one of my best freinds die of melanoma at 31. I saw her the day before and I couldn't help but be angry. I see other people on here like Pam, Clint, Emily, and Abbby and I know they are angry too. How could they not be? I am getting better though in time. I have decided to try and channel my anger differently. Maybe thow it into helping others. I feel like we were placed in Indianaolis for a reason - to help others going through treatrment here. I am trying to focus on things like that and not the anger. Anyways - please don't feel like you are alone. I too am mad, somedays about to lose it, but trying each day to be focus on good, and happiness. I just search and search and no materr how hard I look I cannot find an explantion that is accepatable to me of why this happens to people. I do not think there ever will be. Good luck and let me know if you need to vent!

Erin

[Margaret]

Thanks so much for the replies. For the record, I am not angry anymore. A bit sad..full of questions that have no answers and hope for so many here that they will find their way. Still feeling like that clinging little monkey...and holding on tight to God and even tighter to my dear baby boy. Praying for Pam and for Mikey's family...hoping those crushed hearts are able to mend. I like Dadmo's avatar. This family has given me so many gifts, I will continue to try and give back.

[phlogistic]

I am not usually an angry person, I try to look at life with very sunny eyes, but right now…today…I am just plain pissed off.

I used to know everyone here on this forum. I knew all your names, locations, stage and where you were in your treatment. And now, every day there is a new face, a new handle looking at me…new fears, new worries, new families are being shredded by this disease. I can’t even keep up anymore. I am glad they are finding our site but is it just me or do there seem to be more and more people getting sick? I hope it is that our site is just reaching more people in need. But it feels like cancer has become this quick moving brush fire.

Anger is a gift. - Zack de la Rocha

I'm angry too. Anger is a motivator. I plan on doing something after I'm done with chemo & my relapse.

Be it as simple as volunteer time at a local hospital pushing a wheelchair for people by themselves, to write programs that help crunch DNA for early cancer detection.

And I'd like everyone to hold me to that, the rest of my life.