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Should you fight cancer or should you just embrace it?

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  • Should you fight cancer or should you just embrace it?

    ​Dear everyone:

    It's now been about 18 months since I finished my TIP late in 2016, which shortly followed my BEP: I relapsed in just two months even though everything looked fine at first - which puts me in a bad place, statistics-wise.

    In the meanwhile I turned out to be incredibly lucky once again, and things seem to have stabilized. Recovery from my chemos was quite fast, there was no permanent organ damage apparently, I started getting into regular physical activity, lost some weight, improved myself in different ways, learned so much about so many things! Doctor keeps telling me to relax since everything suggests NED so far, I agree and suspect maybe PTSD rising. Except now....

    I have my next check-up in two days, and yesterday after the CT it there was a hint I may have a lung nodule. Which may or may not be cancer coming back, from what I gather.





    I was going to ask a bunch of incredibly foolish questions here, as usual. "It can't be a nodule, right?" I am feeling really strong, and last week I walked 40 miles just for the sake of pushing my limits. And because it helps me relax. And because deep down I'm still afraid HDC may be in store for me, so I want to keep building up stamina just in case. Because deep down I'm still really afraid I may be making cancer. I'm scared I haven't learned my lessons yet. I'm afraid there might be more pain ahead, afraid I might not make it after all".

    As I started replying to my own questions, the thought arose:





    OK, so I may have a relapse, or I may have a scare, or I may just have to admit anxiety is taking its toll. Whatever the case, does it really matter? It clearly still does matter to me, but it shouldn't. Why? Cancer is a snake biting its own tail.

    You can't possibly succeed in fighting against cancer, since deep down *you're* the one making cancer. You have to accept and embrace your condition if you want to make it through -- I believe *that's* the real fight.


    So here's my advice to myself and to anyone who can relate:


    Forget about time, forget about odds, and enjoy the moment as it is. Enjoy life while it lasts, no matter how long it may turn out to be, no matter the struggles and disappointments along the way. Cancer or no cancer, everyone has their share of everything they need to grow and love and evolve.

    Sometimes the most tragic events carry the greatest blessings, and sometimes it's the other way around. That's just life playing out, so why not take the good with the bad and make the most of every single moment? Why not realize life is just a zero sum game playing out before our collective eyes? Life is just a stage for our collective existence, and it would be really boring without the drama. You can't have a good story without your share of drama.

    "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."







    So that's that! I'm really proud to be here, again. Having gone through hell and still lingering on the way back. Reaching the Unity of the Gonad made me a better person, and I would not want to go back even if I could.

    Incredibly foolish as always, but also incredibly hopeful. Wish me luck. I wish you twice as much!


  • #2
    Stay strong my friend. Never lose hope never give up stay positive and fight to the end. Sorry you relapsed so quickly. I constantly feel thatís gonna be me. I just finished chemo around 12 January. What was your pathology report? I would assume non seminoma?...

    Comment


    • #3
      Reports are just reports, each case is a case. If you spend long enough browsing these forums, you'll soon realize that a rich attitude always seems to overcome a poor forecast. Fear is cancer gnawing back, it's a devil's trap: the more you resist, the tighter it gets. Let us focus on what matters - appreciating life with all its hues - and live on!

      Comment


      • #4
        Lung nodules are pretty common, many in here report having them, they are seldom cancer.

        Dave
        Jan, 1975: Right I/O, followed by RPLND
        Dec, 2009: Left I/O, followed by 3xBEP

        Comment


        • #5
          As Dave says, unless its 1+cm, lung nodules are pretty normally occurring.
          6/5/15: bHCG 27,AFP 8.66, LDH 361, 5.6cm lymph node - Stage IIC
          6/16/15: Left I/O 85% EC, 10% chorio, 5% yolk sac opinion 2 (mayo) 90% EC, 10% yolk sac
          7/7/15: bHCG 56, AFP 42, LDH 322
          7/13/15 - 9/18/15: 4xEP
          10/1/15: bloodwork normal, ct scan shows 2 lymph nodes 1.0cm
          10/26/15: 2nd opinion on CT results - lymph nodes normal. Surveillance!
          4/6/16: 1.7cm X 1.5cm lymph node found with markers normal.
          4/20/16: RPLND @ IU - teratoma only!
          3/29/2018 all clears up to this date!

          Comment


          • #6
            Hi Pedro, right on brother!!! I think you found my PTSD blogs and dropped the comment on one of them the other day.

            Even now at 40 years old, and seven years out from cancer, I can't really look forward or think of the future too much. All I see are murky clouds, wondering if I'll be around, worrying about late recurrences or second cancers, or the next disaster or tragedy in our lives. I write about a lot more than cancer at my website. Cancer is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I can't let the past haunt me, and I can't allow wondering about the future to bring anxiety and depression back into my life, so I just have to stay present and in the moment as I've learned to live over the past 7 years, and that's all I can do. Just be here right now and make today a great day for me, for my family, and with friends, and have a great time. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, and only God knows what will happen. Embrace the moment.

            Hope the lung module is nothing! They are common, especially in certain areas.
            Young Adult Cancer Survivorship by Steve Pake
            April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month!
            www.stevepake.com
            Feb 2011, Stage IIB, 4xEP, RPLND, PTSD
            My Survivorship Thread | All of my Blogs
            C
            ONTACT ME ANYTIME!

            Comment


            • #7
              Turned out there was no nodule at all! I was just being paranoid, over-analyzing, making assumptions and letting anxiety get the best of me. .... I actually suspected as much, since just a few days ago I saw myself clearly reflected in Steve's writing on PTSD. Keep up the great work, my friend!

              Well... my body seems to be doing just fine, so I guess it's time to start doing my inner work - embracing my cancer and making peace with the whole experience.

              Thanks for the kind words, everyone! I really meant what I wrote up there.

              Comment


              • #8
                Glad to hear it all turned out well!! Sounds like you are into self development! I can highly recommend a book called The Cancer Whisperer by Sophie Sabbage, it's all about making peace with cancer
                July 2016 - Left I/O
                December 2016 - BEPx3
                All clear for 1 year!

                My Testicular Cancer Support Kit
                First Oncologist Visit Checklist
                Simplify Cancer Podcast

                Comment


                • #9
                  Glad to hear it all turned out well!! Sounds like you are into self development! I can highly recommend a book called The Cancer Whisperer by Sophie Sabbage, it's all about making peace with cancer
                  July 2016 - Left I/O
                  December 2016 - BEPx3
                  All clear for 1 year!

                  My Testicular Cancer Support Kit
                  First Oncologist Visit Checklist
                  Simplify Cancer Podcast

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Hey that sounds like a great book I'll check it out thanks!!!

                    Comment

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