Two years ago today...

[jay_bee]

I was hooked up, getting my last dose of chemotherapy, and preparing to turn 36. And two years later, what a journey it has been. Some days it seems like chemo was forever ago, and other days it feels like it just happened. Such a profound life event, and I try to use it to give myself perspective. Try to use the whole thing as a reminder of how fleeting and precious life is. I try to make myself focus on the bigger picture, try to remember that most of my troubles aren't that significant in the grand scheme of things; and two years later I still find myself getting bent around the axle about the same petty stuff that irritated me two years ago. And I swear that a lot of my associates/co-workers totally don't remember it happened. I had this life altering experience and either it wasn't even a blip on their radar, or they think that because I have a full head of hair now it's like none of it ever occurred - like I am just the same as I was before. But even though I seem to be healthy now, I'm not the same. I don't know exactly how I'm different, but I figured that if all of this would make sense to anyone it would make sense to people who experienced it. Just some thoughts...thanks for listening to the rambling.

[S P]

Very well said, and I agree. Yes I'm not the same person as I was before either. It does drastically change your perspective on life, and you realize first hand just how fragile and precious it is.

[frankrcn]

I also agree with your words dear friend... without doubt becoming a cancer patient changes your life drastically, but you realize only in these moments how precious life is... I have learnt in the last two years that I don't have to make long term projects but to live every day as if it's a single life... a day ends, a life ends, then the day after a new life begins... like you, I see the persons around me that think now I'm well because after the chemo my hair have regrown, my beard and so on, and every time that they say "you lucky boy" I realize how silly they are... The same thing happened two years ago when I had the orchiectomy, everybody told me I was yet cured, I didn't have to worry anymore about cancer, he went away and so on (and every time I said that they were not right because a cancer is not like having a flu or an headache) they considered me as a stupid person... except when my cancer came back last June, only in that moment they have understood and learnt which were my real feelings and my fears...

Wishing you all the best, sincerely !!!
Frank

[RWA]

Its strange Jay_bee, speaking with close friends, i offerred how I am not the same any more (post cancer). There reaction was quite contrary they felt that I was the same and that I "rocked on" and "pushed through" everything I was dealing with and came out the other side unscathed. I agree with you that some of the emotional changes we go through in the course of beating this disease are invisible to others. I try to view this more as positive - I am glad my friends and loved ones have not had to walk the path I have.

[Davepet]

While we cetainly experiece a noticable pysical change with TC treatment, it is not visible to folks on the street. The mental changes are even less visable to those around us, most of the time.

We go back to our lives & attempt to return to normal ( whatever that is) & for the most part we succeed in doing that. It is no wonder that the folks around us cannot see any changes. We work very hard to make sure they do not. We actually are trying to make sure *we* feel normal & if we are moderately successful, it is no wonder that no one else can see we've changed.

My first TC had a profound effect on me & led me down a very different spiritual path than I would ever have explored without that experience. My second TC didn't really have much effect. Of course I was all of 20 the first time & was 55 the second, so maturity may be a factor.

If we act the same as we did before, isn't it unreasonable to expect those around us to see us as changed? Of course the flip side of that is if we act different post chemo, everyone will say: " he's just not the same since he had TC", such a shame.....