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Let me start by saying that this is the only spot I have been able to find that has anyone remotely going through what I am going through...and I am extremely grateful for that. This will be a long post, so I apologise in advance for that, but I really don't have anyone else to tell it to and I am so desperate for some kind of familiarity. The best way for me to tell it is by a timeline I think....
It started last year in approximately April...I had an immediate symptom. My erections were almost immediately half strength...I had been having issues with my wife, and I thought that it was something emotional, but even in the past I have had issues and been able to have full erections all my life, so I didn't know what was going on. I didn't have any other symptom, so I didn't think a lot of it, but through the next month...same thing. Every single erection was about half strength. Not only that, but I was unable to keep this 50% erection for a decent duration. After a bit, I went to my doctor and he gave me a sample of Cialis....it helped me get better erections, but it wouldnt get better. After another month, he did some bloodwork and the results came back low testosterone. This was about July 1st. I get free/total confused, but the number was 240. He said that it should be around at least 280-1100 for my age (34)
I was just recovering from a tonsilectomy...and got the lab paper that said to come in to discuss it. I was totally unaware of what it meant...and really didn't feel any symptoms at all other than the erection problems. When he told me that I needed testosterone therapy and the problems I would have, I was so confused. He prescribed me Testim gel and I got the prescription. I was told that I had hypogonadism and it was irreversable and I would need the therapy for life. It was a 5mg tube and I started the next morning. Within a few hours, I started shaking...trembling is more like it, and just started feeling like crap. Also, started getting what I guess are 'hot flashes' the back of my ears, behind my arms, back of my neck, and my testicles 'burned' with quick short bursts of heat. I was super depressed and also, my taste buds started going bad, everything I ate was tasteless...After 4 days, nothing had changed and I made an appointment. My doctor said that I was just depressed and gave me a Lexapro sample. That very night...I could not sleep at all...It is like my mind would not 'turn off' and I felt 'needles' all over. Anyways...I was so scared about what was happening, that I stopped taking anything. I didn't sleep but maybe an hour each night. The next 4 days, my wife had to take me to the ER because I was suicidal...The best way to describe it was like I was living in Hell and my mind was tortured constantly. In the evenings, it lessened but never got 'normal' I had never ever felt so depressed in all my life. I spent a day in the hospital and they let me go because that night I leveled out, and they felt the sleep deprivation was causing my mental issues. The morning I was out of my mind, the night I seemed to get better.
The sleep never changed, and I had to start taking meds to sleep. I was also still depressed....mood was totally rock bottom...cried for no reasons, had no energy, started praying to die of any reason. I didnt keep taking the testosterone treatment, went to a counselor. She said that she had to address my sleep first. She prescribed me Seraquil and it helped me sleep, but without it, I couldn't sleep. I had my testosterone level checked later and it was about 275. They told me that it was just under normal, so I was ok.
After about a month, I kinda leveled out to a point where I was taking meds to sleep....still do....but wasn't depressed enough to feel like I wanted to die. I was on a low dose of antidepressant (Celexa 20mg). She changed my sleeping pill to Remeron (15mg) It was supposedly an antidepressant with sleepy side effects. She thought it was best for me. This is about November '05. During all this time...I was between jobs and had to pay for everything. Luckily, I was on a sliding scale based on pay, and my wife could make all of our bills. Looking back, I could not have possibly held a job. Mid December, I was feeling about 70% normal. Never got the erection back to full and sex with us became short. I didn't really want sex like I used to, but still did it out of habit I think. My wife and I were going through some issues also. Life was great....
Back to feeling a little normal...I was so frustrated about the 'low testosterone' diagnosis, got to see an indocrinologist....tested again....he said my 'free?' test was about 310....and that I didn't need therapy. Still....I didn't feel normal and couldn't find answers....No energy, couldn't sleep without a pill, no motivation, memory fading, my mood was....neutral. Never really want to do anything, just sit around until time to go to bed. Going to be d was both welcome and a nightmare. But at that time, at least I could function. ***Flashback to when I saw the doctor about the testim*** he said that I should try Angrogel instead....was too scared to try to take it. But I kept the bottle***back to mid December*** I decided to see my doctor again and he suggested that maybe the dose of Testim was too strong and that I should try a squirt or two of Angrogel...he said that it was more accepted by the body he thought. Still not feeling normal and wondering if I ever would, I decided Dec 29th to start on one squirt a morning (1.25 mg I believe) Was anticipating those things that happened when I took Testim, but didn't really feel it....To keep you up to my mood....still felt terrible in the morn but by about 5PM I felt closer to normal than any other time. Still had constant "tremors" They never went away. So at this point, I had decided to ween myself off of the antidepressants because A. I never ever needed them in my past....no history of depression with me, and honestly felt that there was something else wrong with me....still do. B. I couldn't remember a difference when taking them or not. So I am not on Celexa anymore....still on the Remeron for sleep...and begin a squirt a day of Androgel. Don't feel better....dont feel worse. My sister gives me her Ambien to help me sleep. It works good for me so I keep it. After a week of one squirt, I did like my doctor said and increased to 2 squirts....(2.5mg Androgel) No bad feelings...only a hint...ever so slightly of the 'hot flashes' start....actually, I think I had those even at one squirt but they are not nowhere near as intense as the 5mg Testim....and to be honest...even long after quitting the Testim, they persisted....If I recall correctly...up to 6 weeks before I didn't notice them anymore. ( Sorry to be jumping so much in the timeframe, but Im not a good writer ) After a total of 20 days...10 days 1 squirt, 10 days 2 squirts, I lose a nights sleep and get scared that it may be the Testosterone so I quit cold turkey. The next day, I go through some of that depression I had before...not as intense, but almost 2X as much as I was already in....feeling like I wish I was dead again...praying for a heart attack...praying to have an accident while driving...and crying for no reason. This goes on for about 2 weeks and I seem to level back out to 'normal' Puts me to Mid Feb...
It started last year in approximately April...I had an immediate symptom. My erections were almost immediately half strength...I had been having issues with my wife, and I thought that it was something emotional, but even in the past I have had issues and been able to have full erections all my life, so I didn't know what was going on. I didn't have any other symptom, so I didn't think a lot of it, but through the next month...same thing. Every single erection was about half strength. Not only that, but I was unable to keep this 50% erection for a decent duration. After a bit, I went to my doctor and he gave me a sample of Cialis....it helped me get better erections, but it wouldnt get better. After another month, he did some bloodwork and the results came back low testosterone. This was about July 1st. I get free/total confused, but the number was 240. He said that it should be around at least 280-1100 for my age (34)
I was just recovering from a tonsilectomy...and got the lab paper that said to come in to discuss it. I was totally unaware of what it meant...and really didn't feel any symptoms at all other than the erection problems. When he told me that I needed testosterone therapy and the problems I would have, I was so confused. He prescribed me Testim gel and I got the prescription. I was told that I had hypogonadism and it was irreversable and I would need the therapy for life. It was a 5mg tube and I started the next morning. Within a few hours, I started shaking...trembling is more like it, and just started feeling like crap. Also, started getting what I guess are 'hot flashes' the back of my ears, behind my arms, back of my neck, and my testicles 'burned' with quick short bursts of heat. I was super depressed and also, my taste buds started going bad, everything I ate was tasteless...After 4 days, nothing had changed and I made an appointment. My doctor said that I was just depressed and gave me a Lexapro sample. That very night...I could not sleep at all...It is like my mind would not 'turn off' and I felt 'needles' all over. Anyways...I was so scared about what was happening, that I stopped taking anything. I didn't sleep but maybe an hour each night. The next 4 days, my wife had to take me to the ER because I was suicidal...The best way to describe it was like I was living in Hell and my mind was tortured constantly. In the evenings, it lessened but never got 'normal' I had never ever felt so depressed in all my life. I spent a day in the hospital and they let me go because that night I leveled out, and they felt the sleep deprivation was causing my mental issues. The morning I was out of my mind, the night I seemed to get better.
The sleep never changed, and I had to start taking meds to sleep. I was also still depressed....mood was totally rock bottom...cried for no reasons, had no energy, started praying to die of any reason. I didnt keep taking the testosterone treatment, went to a counselor. She said that she had to address my sleep first. She prescribed me Seraquil and it helped me sleep, but without it, I couldn't sleep. I had my testosterone level checked later and it was about 275. They told me that it was just under normal, so I was ok.
After about a month, I kinda leveled out to a point where I was taking meds to sleep....still do....but wasn't depressed enough to feel like I wanted to die. I was on a low dose of antidepressant (Celexa 20mg). She changed my sleeping pill to Remeron (15mg) It was supposedly an antidepressant with sleepy side effects. She thought it was best for me. This is about November '05. During all this time...I was between jobs and had to pay for everything. Luckily, I was on a sliding scale based on pay, and my wife could make all of our bills. Looking back, I could not have possibly held a job. Mid December, I was feeling about 70% normal. Never got the erection back to full and sex with us became short. I didn't really want sex like I used to, but still did it out of habit I think. My wife and I were going through some issues also. Life was great....
Back to feeling a little normal...I was so frustrated about the 'low testosterone' diagnosis, got to see an indocrinologist....tested again....he said my 'free?' test was about 310....and that I didn't need therapy. Still....I didn't feel normal and couldn't find answers....No energy, couldn't sleep without a pill, no motivation, memory fading, my mood was....neutral. Never really want to do anything, just sit around until time to go to bed. Going to be d was both welcome and a nightmare. But at that time, at least I could function. ***Flashback to when I saw the doctor about the testim*** he said that I should try Angrogel instead....was too scared to try to take it. But I kept the bottle***back to mid December*** I decided to see my doctor again and he suggested that maybe the dose of Testim was too strong and that I should try a squirt or two of Angrogel...he said that it was more accepted by the body he thought. Still not feeling normal and wondering if I ever would, I decided Dec 29th to start on one squirt a morning (1.25 mg I believe) Was anticipating those things that happened when I took Testim, but didn't really feel it....To keep you up to my mood....still felt terrible in the morn but by about 5PM I felt closer to normal than any other time. Still had constant "tremors" They never went away. So at this point, I had decided to ween myself off of the antidepressants because A. I never ever needed them in my past....no history of depression with me, and honestly felt that there was something else wrong with me....still do. B. I couldn't remember a difference when taking them or not. So I am not on Celexa anymore....still on the Remeron for sleep...and begin a squirt a day of Androgel. Don't feel better....dont feel worse. My sister gives me her Ambien to help me sleep. It works good for me so I keep it. After a week of one squirt, I did like my doctor said and increased to 2 squirts....(2.5mg Androgel) No bad feelings...only a hint...ever so slightly of the 'hot flashes' start....actually, I think I had those even at one squirt but they are not nowhere near as intense as the 5mg Testim....and to be honest...even long after quitting the Testim, they persisted....If I recall correctly...up to 6 weeks before I didn't notice them anymore. ( Sorry to be jumping so much in the timeframe, but Im not a good writer ) After a total of 20 days...10 days 1 squirt, 10 days 2 squirts, I lose a nights sleep and get scared that it may be the Testosterone so I quit cold turkey. The next day, I go through some of that depression I had before...not as intense, but almost 2X as much as I was already in....feeling like I wish I was dead again...praying for a heart attack...praying to have an accident while driving...and crying for no reason. This goes on for about 2 weeks and I seem to level back out to 'normal' Puts me to Mid Feb...
testosterone implants May 2008
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