1 year since I ended chemo

[Secret]

Below is a short summary of my cancer and post cancer experiences. Not many details about me personally to be found.

It's extremely difficult for me writing about the whole cancer thing. If you go through my posting history, you'll find most questions regarding treatment and the need for personal advice from post-cancer people. I rarely write about my personal experiences.
I ended chemo treatment in may 2010. On the 14th of July is the landmark of the first "all clear" response from the hospital, after doing RPLND.
Normally I wouldn't write much on this forum. But some recent submissions by people in the middle of treatment and the shock period of cancer inspired me to write some. Also, I think it's time for me to put some thoughts into words.

My reaction to being a cancer-patient and having to undergo all this nutty treatment was, to put it mildly, very bad. I am scared senseless by drugs and I wouldn't take painkillers for a headache before I got diagnosed with TC. Suddenly I find myself in a situation where heavy-metals and poison will be pumped directly into my blood. With these came also pills, lots of them! The doctors presented them as "helpers against the chemo", when reality was that they worked as amphetamines and could cause all sorts of mental disorders. Psychosis? Check. Distorted vision? Check. The list was endless.

We all know what chemo is all about, so I don't feel the need to share the details regarding chemo itself. I was prepared to be really ill and thought of it as being really hungover. I was wrong... Chemo for me was becoming a zombie. It sent me down into a huge depression. All my energy completely disappeared and the things I lived for stopped making sense. Movies, music, books, other people... They didn't do anything for me anymore. It was like I stopped being human and entered a state of only existing. Awaiting the next horrible thing the doctors had in store for me. Was it PEI? RPLND?
The only highlight I had in between chemo and RPLND was a short trip to London. I went for a concert. It was sort of a "force myself to have this experience to feel somewhat connected to my old self" thing. In retroperspective, I am very glad I took that trip. Even though my mind was in a complete Zombie state. It felt good to still be that guy who travels and go to concerts with the bands he likes.

Then came RPLND.
Like medications, I also fear all sorts of surgery. Especially surgeries that can possibly affect the rest of my life. During chemo, RPLND was presented to me as a very small surgical procedure, with few-to-none possible complications. At the hospital I was greeted by a egocentric "I am God" type of surgeon. Telling me that there was a 50% chance that my volcano wouldn't erupt again after this, telling me I could end up being fed by I/V for weeks if he cut one millimeter wrong. This was after he told me he would remove all the organs in my stomach and put it on a table next to me. When I asked him to talk with a cancer doctor to learn more if there are any options beside this surgery, he started yelling at me. Needless to say, I told him off and left the hospital.

After consulting some cancer-researchers, cancer doctors, and different people, I arranged for the RPLND to be done at a different hospital, with a surgeon that was a little bit more sympathetic. Surgery was done with no complications. I was off the painkillers after one week (did I mention I hate drugs?), and my recovery started.

18th of August last year was the day I returned to the living. I couldn't stand being away from work anymore. So I made a stand, and decided that I was going to become the person I was before cancer again, with many improvements. Since that day, I have focused on improving my health, my social relations and skills, my family ties, and my priorities.

What I haven't mentioned in this short story of mine, is that during the cancer treatment and recovery, I was in the middle of a very destructive relationship, which affected my relations to friends and family greatly. It added a lot of stress on top of having cancer. Getting rid of this poison was one of the first things I did when I started to come back to my old self. Haven't looked back since.

Tomorrow is the day I get answers from the last control. The only reminder I have of cancer is the mental stress and nightmares around the control-dates, a missing testicle, some scarrs, and the fact that my body doesn't heal itself as fast as earlier. Other than that, I rode this wave of insanity.

2011 has been one of the nicest years in my life this far. The rest will be even better.

... if cancer doesn't come for me once again

[val]

Hi Secret,

Thanks for sharing your story and glad that 2011 has been kind to you and may every other year bring you even more happiness.

You kicked TC to touch

[Secret]

No cancer to be found within me!

[Elliott]

Congrats on the ALL Clear and here's to many more!!!! Glad you finally put somethings down, its very cathartic! Again wahoo, I love hearing about all clears they make my day!

Kimmy

[jeffsonxl]

Secret, Thanks for sharing your story, I pretty much had same feeling after I knew I am one of cancer member. have to underwent treatment of chemo, With the time going, I hate to live in scare and depression and have to find myself back, I went out to enjoy the concert and joined a new company so that nobody think I am different and I look me as same as them. That's really help me to find the live back before cancer.

By the way, Congratulations All CLEAR, keep it.