Just need to get it out

[subacpw]

Ive had 4xBEP ive had RPLND. I had the most amazing GF though that all. I, over the last months took her for granted. I stopped showing her that i love her. Now im here with out her, she left me. she was tired of waiting on me, tired of me not trying any more.

I had to have a follow up scan and now the report shows some new growths and a few suspicious spots where the old tumors are. Dr. Foster asked for the scans so i sent them out today, but now i have to wait till next week to hear back from him.

And all of this time i no longer have my rock to lean on. I keep praying that this is nothing, praying that i can get her back. but maybe its for the best.



But then if i do have to go one with out her, how do i get back into dating. I know im fairly lucky (im only 23) so i have a long time ahead of me, and im going back to college. but its hard to know that you ruined it with the one you loved. the one who made you go to the doctor, who saved my life. I thought the tumor was just nothing.

[TGlover]

No offense intended to your lady, but part of a committed relationship is realising when your feelings have to be put on hold to support the other in times of great need. Cancer is one of those times. It may have been too much for her to give, especially in a new relationship or one that hasn't been going for long.

Do you have other family to support you? No matter what age you will always hurt over breakups, but with age comes the understanding there is always someone out there who gets you, and can love you.

[subacpw]

She was with me through all of it, im jus about 2 months post RPLND.

It was 2.5 years. It was mostly my fault. even if your hurting you should still be able to call them to say hi, hold their hand, ect. I see the faults i made, but i also understand every thing has a purpose and a reason.

[Davepet]

Originally Posted by subacpw

She was with me through all of it, im jus about 2 months post RPLND.

It was 2.5 years. It was mostly my fault. even if your hurting you should still be able to call them to say hi, hold their hand, ect. I see the faults i made, but i also understand every thing has a purpose and a reason.

No, you are wrong here. When you are that sick, no one should expect you to contact them, or do anything else more than try to get well. Assuming you weren't a demanding, hard to keep happy, patient, your illness was just more than she could handle.

It can be very hard on loved ones when an illness doesn't resolve in a short period of time. Even the purest of hearts will start to feel resentment & even anger as it seems like the patient isn't getting better & helping themselves more.

So don't blame yourself, don't blame anyone. Be thankful you had her support for as long as you did & figure out how to move forward as best you can.

Dave

[Paul54]

Everybody has a limit to how much they can take. I've heard some amazing stories of the support and unconditional commitments given by partners, friends and families. But it's unrealistic to believe that everybody will be that blessed and lucky. Time to move on and take along another life lesson. If something is worth keeping, it's worth fighting for.

[Aegletes]

Illness in all its facets (diagnosis, treatment, follow-up) is one of those things that tests even the most rock-solid relationships. Books have been written, literally, about the loss of relationships, friendships and family as a result of cancer. I'm just sorry that you have experienced what, sadly, too many people experience in the context of cancer. It's a lot to take on oneself and often too much for someone else to take on as well.

[TCLEFT]

Unfortunately, life is filled with many unpleasant lessons. Fortunately, you're alive to learn them. Before any of us can love in "this life", we must be alive to do so. When life is threatened, we go on primal instint to a certain degree. Much else melts away except that survival instinct. In addition, our treatment can change our personalities. I was a bear when put on steroids in addition to chemo. True love shouldn't have a finite duration. I've come to realize that if something doesn't last, it wasn't meant to last. All we can ever hope to achieve in life is to do the very best we can. We can never hope to put in 100% of ourselves in to everything we do all at one time. That's mathematically impossible. We prioritize and move from there. Sounds to me like you were focused on getting well so you could then focus your time on your lady. And it sounds, even though your lady was quite caring, didn't fully understand all that you were going through and required to get past your first priority, survival. And sometimes, even though that's painful, it's nevertheless what is meant to be. Take heart, you're young and alive and I'm sure will feel that bond again and stronger.
Much Love,
Mark

"We must live for the few who know and appreciate us, who judge and absolve us, and for whom we have the same affection and indulgence. The rest I look upon as a mere crowd...from whom there is nothing to be expected but fleeting emotions."

[Scott]

Originally Posted by TCLEFT

...if something doesn't last, it wasn't meant to last.

Hey, Mark, I can't help reacting to that. I'm sure it's true in some circumstances, but in other cases, it feels like copping out.

[TCLEFT]

Originally Posted by Scott

Hey, Mark, I can't help reacting to that. I'm sure it's true in some circumstances, but in other cases, it feels like copping out.

Kinda tough to put all the different iterations around circumstances. What I meant to say is if someone else has made a final decision and stands by it, it's beyond our control to change it. Only that person can make it otherwise. One can try to change their minds, but sometimes even the best of efforts fail. So, as we're only given one life, I believe sometimes letting go is the appropriate recourse. It's only copping out if you didn't try.
Much Love,
Mark

[Aegean]

hmmm.... everyones here and now is unique as the circumstances they live by/under and ere entwined by... yes, apart from cancer. Trying is relative while succeeding is absolute, in this case (as measured by getting the GF back).

@Sub: All you can do is tell her how you feel. Just make sure it is not simply regret.

[TCLEFT]

Originally Posted by Aegean

@Sub: All you can do is tell her how you feel. Just make sure it is not simply regret.

Excellent advise. If it were me, I'd also do a little soul searching as well. After an I/O, 4 rounds of chemo, and an RPLND (and she stayed through all of that), I think I'd ask myself if I was just focused on getting better and she left anyway, or (to be fair), did I send the message that would make her leave after all of that. No matter what the answer, try to answer truthfully. And keep in mind, this is just an opinion, nothing more. Best of luck.
Much Love,
Mark

[Scott]

Originally Posted by TCLEFT

It's only copping out if you didn't try.

I'm good with that!

[Moriarty]

The whole experience is obviously difficult for everyone involved and not everyone is ready for that or well prepared to handle that. I don't know the history of your relationship, but my intial impression is that she was overwhelmed and scared off by the whole thing and probably thought something to the effect of "I didn't sign up for this." Obviously, you sure as hell didn't sign up for it either.

She's gone, and I'm sure that's pretty tough for you. However, you went through 4 rounds of BEP and had RPLND ... some daunting tasks to handle. Those were surely pretty tough for you as well, but you've gotten through those and are here today. If you can handle cancer, four rounds of some of the most aggressive chemotherapy regiments and a big surgery like that, then you'll surely be able to handle the break-up and its fallout.

The biggest piece of advice I got during my battle (which was from my sister, who was undergoing treatment for her third battle with breast cancer) was that while the whole thing looks like a mountain, its more of a speed bump. It wasn't until I had completed my treatments that I really understood it. Its so daunting and seems so difficult, but once you've gotten past it, you realize that while those three or four rounds of BEP seemed to last years, it was really a few months. The same sort of thing applies here to the relationship gone bad. In the emotional post-breakup period, it feels like your heart has been ripped out or you may wonder if you'll ever find someone new and that sort of thing. Soon enough, all of that time you spend today thinking about her will be next to nothing and then it will be nothing. That helplessness feeling will soon disappear and you'll find someone new. It just takes some time, and you don't know when it will happen ... but it will happen.

[Kat]

Maybe you should write her a thank-you note? That might sound goofy and old-fashioned, but even if the "plan" is not to get back together, it might make you feel better to let her know you appreciated what she did for you. It might give you some closure and ease your guilt about the whole thing.
I, frankly, cannot remotely imagine what it would be like to be 23 and providing support to your boyfriend with cancer while you are in college. I mean, I'm 29, and it was hard. But, your life, and your gf's life, were just starting out. We, at least, had jobs, and money, and health insurance, and paid sick leave and such to cover those basic things. And we'd been together for 7 years when all this started, so we were established as individuals as well as in our relationship. I just really can't imagine being in college and dealing with this, either as a survivor or a caretaker.
I think there's a couple of things to take into consideration with that. One, she didn't leave you high and dry in the middle of chemo, or anything, did she? It sounds like she stood by you through treatment, and then maybe just couldn't do it anymore. Second, given your age, maybe the relationship wasn't working out for other reasons, that were totally un-cancer-related? And she just didn't want to add to your plate during treatment? I don't know. I just don't think that she's trying to be a cold hearted jerk or anything. She's just 23, and maybe this just didn't work out. That happens, and we move on, and live our lives. Just because we love someone, which I'm sure she loved you, doesn't mean that everything's going to work out. And we don't just change because of cancer---we change a LOT in our personalities in our early twenties, because we are trying to figure out who we are and who we want to be. And the personality of the person we're with when we're 19 is going to change, too---and we don't always change in the same direction. You add cancer to that mix, and it's a hell of a lot of change!
Even though I'm pushing 30, and I'd LIKE to think that if I was younger, I would have handled everything just as well, I can't say that I would have. Being in college is hard, and being 23 is hard, too.
I mean, you made it through BEP and an RPLND, you can make it through anything, man!
Best wishes!