Healing Stages of a Survivor

[TCLEFT]

Ok. I'm back to Un-Deserving again. Only this time it's not "Not Understanding" why this damned disease attacks the young with so much going for them otherwise. This time un-deserving refers to "Being weary from being disappointed". The Pack is so incredibly dear and important to me right now. I never needed a point of reference to know that, but I got one anyway. Long story short, my best friend turned out to be neither. After falling off the face of the Earth for ~7 Months, I see him again to retrieve something he's had of mine. He's hit the Cash 5 lottery for a sizeable amount, bought several new toys, and asks me how that "sickness thing of mine was going". I cringed, and shrugged it off. In leaving, I said call me if you have a mind. His reply was "you too". I didn't blow outta town after an unexplained temper tantrum. He did this once before during relapse #1 and I called him back. Not my turn this time, nor do I have the patience for this anymore. Anyone, I call friend is guaranteed to have me there for whatever they need. Guess it's too much to ask for an occassional hello. It's funny the wounds you sustain from this disease. Some you'd just never expect. It's also incredible from where you'll receive support and even love. Also, some you'd just never expect. If nothing else, I'm truly beginning to know the difference between what I can and cannot change. And at he end of the day, I have more than a few ears that will listen. Sanity, balance, compassion, understanding! Thanks Family.
Much Love,
Mark

[Margaret]

First, it should go with out saying but just in case you ever forget, you are loved. And sadly, your friend...with all his new toys and bragging rights...remains just a shell of a man that could be so much more. I pity him really, because he will never know the feeling of truly being accepted and loved for himself...that is because he does not know how to give love.

I am sorry that people like that are out there, but more importantly I am sad that a person in this world hurt a friend of mine. You are not deserving of that. I think you are a very fine man and a great father...we are all lucky to know you.

bb

[TCLEFT]

I'm putting this under the heading of "healing". I've been done a favor. I know who and what to walk away from now. I know who and what to walk towards now. Yeah it hurts. Where there's pain, there's also life. I put it out to all of you, "My Pack" as my way of saying thanks. Not so much as a "look what he has to deal with now, poor guy" statement. Let's face it, this is a Gnat F@rt it the grand scheme of things. I'm stronger after the FFF. I'm stronger after Philly. I'm stronger because of you. The very least I can do is tell you.
Much Love,
Mark

[emilyalex]

Mark, my friend, we are definitely blessed to be part of your pack and to be able to support you (and each other). Wheeler's childhood friend came to visit him exactly twice while he was sick. The second time was only because another friend dragged him to the hospital. Didn't bother to make a phone call or any other type of contact either. I am still angry about it. Lots of people tried to tell me that well, some folks just can't handle being around sick people, some people can't handle hospitals, etc. Well, given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen to go through what I went through (not to mention watching Wheeler go through what he did), but that's what you do when you love and care about someone. You stick by them and support them. You have the sense of what is right and the responsibility to be there for the person you care about.

Saddest of all is what those who desert us miss out on. As your forum family, we all know exactly what your so-called friend is missing out on, just as I knew what Wheeler's friend was missing. It's their loss. Meeting you all, feeling true acceptance and understanding, and being part of the family has been a truly unexpected gift for me. Seems that it has for you, too.

My Mom was lamenting the other day that she had missed out on years worth of friendship with a lady she's gotten to know recently. She was going on about how this lady actually likes to be around her (my Mom is an angel btw, so this shouldn't be a surprise) and how much fun they have doing ceramics together, going out to eat as a group with the spouses, etc. I told her that this friend came into her life when she did for a reason. There's no loss there. And she put it very well - she said I guess there's a season for every friendship. I say some seasons last a very long time and some are fleeting. And there are some seasons I like much better than others.

I am so, so glad you consider us your family. I am honored to offer every bit of friendship and support I can to you and everyone else here. You all deserve it! You'll always have us to lean on.

E

[Jay68442]

Mark,
I not really sure what to say. I guess learning the hard way who your friends really are hurts. My question is, do you need him? If not then just move on.

[TCLEFT]

Originally Posted by Jay68442

My question is, do you need him? If not then just move on.

Need who? Already have Bro!
Much Love,
Mark
P.S. Hey Em,
I feel a long beautiful season coming on!
P.P.S. I just noticed this was moved. I gotta get a leash on that Puppy!

[Scott]

Originally Posted by TCLEFT

I know who and what to walk towards now.

There's the good news.

I'm not close enough to the situation with your friend to know whether these quotes are relevant, but they're the ones I thought of right away when I read your post.

From Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture":

Find the best in everybody. [Y]ou might have to wait a long time, sometimes years, but people will show you their good side.

From don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

[Karen]

Hey Mark,
I'm sorry your friend turned out to be so shallow. His loss. You are an awesome person, true friend, and a key leader of the Pack. You also have a sweet energetic daughter and the most amazing 16 year old son (who smells like a flower!). You have us!!!! Your friend has some new toys. So who should feel disappointed???
Much love, bro,
Karen

[Aegletes]

Mark,
All I can add is that life experiences such as the ones we've all been through teach us a lot about ourselves and about the sorts of relationships we seek in life. Maybe this is why we begin to see people whom we've known so long - and had assumed embodied deep friendships - in a whole new light when adversity and life test us and them. Speaking for myself, a lot of the transitions and experiences I've had have meant that I've lost people - sometimes due to bigotry - along the way while discovering all new wonderful people. Such as this pack, it goes without saying. On balance, it's been a positive change, one I don't regret. I think we all owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with positive, sincere, loving and empowering people and, by so doing, perhaps serve as an example to others of living a good, happy, peaceful and serene life.
Alex

[emilyalex]

The comfort and security of a true friend.......

[Russell's Mom]

....not everyone gets a front row seat in the auditorium! Sounds like the mezanine might be a good place! The turn that my marriage took taught me this one, although I still find myself with my mouth wide open and a confused look on my face more frequently than I would like to admit. It has changed how I lean into people now. One time remember thinking about playing tug of war with my dog! Tug, tug, tug....let go of the rope...he just stayed there, no loss of balance. Hope to reach that place in my mind someday. Very present, very playful, very balanced. Will need mind legs! Will have to think what 4 mind legs would hold be strong! take care, Sharon

[Aegletes]

Originally Posted by emilyalex

The comfort and security of a true friend.......

Awwww! Good doggies! What a picture!

[Aegletes]

Originally Posted by Russell's Mom

(...)Will have to think what 4 mind legs would hold be strong! take care, Sharon

Or learn Tai Chi, Sharon. I'm not sure I buy into the whole chi thing but it's a wonderful metaphor for the notion of being rooted and grounded much like you mention. I should take it up again for the sense of balance and "rootedness" it provides.

[Jay68442]

I love Tai Chi and think everyone can benefit from it. When I practice Tai Chi I feel so relaxed and peaceful. It’s a wonderful exercise that dates back over a thousand years. Now is Tai Chi going to balance your life, no probably not. To practice Tai Chi and to live it are two different things. Its principles can be applied to your life but ultimately it is you that has to power to change your life.

[CharlieFL]

Mark, the Lord has a plan for everyone and everything. Unfortunately, your former friend has no clue what his plan is all about. Good riddens, I say....

[Stuartlanning]

Glad you are focused on your recovery. On the subject of support, I find balance is key. I do my best not to overload others with my difficulty and find they come through when I need it most. I have found an incredible amount of love and support and entities that will extend help in so many ways. Ironically, I have also been made aware of others who have crawled out of the crevices to inform me they too have cancer. One thing that helps me strike a balance is in having that awareness that others are trying to survive also, no matter what the tragedy. But if I continue to stand on my own two feet so long as I am capable is the best way I can demonstrate that gratitude and it inspires others.

[boyce]

I found this essay from Tony Snow today. It made me think of you all, but most especially of Les and Mark. Sorry for the length, but it moved me...Apologies also for the religious nature of it, though I find the message universal, if you are offended, a moderator can remove it.

Thinking of too many warriors for too many days.....





Blessings arrive in unexpected packages—in my case, cancer.

Those of us with potentially fatal diseases—and there are millions in America today—find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence What It All Means, Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer the why questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to solicit an answer.

I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is—a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this—because of it—God offers the possibility of salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into life—and that the journey continues after we have finished our days on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by a conviction that stirs even within many nonbelieving hearts—an intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away. Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able to fight with their might, main, and faith to live—fully, richly, exuberantly—no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease—smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see—but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension—and yet don't. By his love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.

'You Have Been Called'

Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet; a loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer to the issues that matter—and has dragged into insignificance the banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."

There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived—an inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of calamity has swept away everything trivial and tinny, and placed before us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change. You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive, pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness, danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul, traipsing though the known world and contemplating trips to what must have seemed the antipodes (Spain), shaking the dust from his sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.

There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue—for it is through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and the most we ever could do.

Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us—that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others. Sickness gets us partway there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two people's worries and fears.

Learning How to Live

Most of us have watched friends as they drifted toward God's arms not with resignation, but with peace and hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and authority of love.

I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family, many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was a humble and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment. "I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."

His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity—filled with life and love we cannot comprehend—and that one can in the throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions know it.

It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up—to speak of us!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place—in the hollow of God's hand.

Copyright © 2007 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

[Margaret]

"A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two people's worries and fears."

I loved the entire thing but found myself stuck on this line and thought it was very fitting for so many of us.

Thanks so sharing.

[TCLEFT]

I've come to a few conclusions about myself as of late.
1. I have faith in an afterlife and at least at this point don't fear death.
2. I've lost faith in some people due to what I view as their apathy and/or self absorption. Not just towards me, but towards loved ones or just in general. I keep this internal dialog going: Time is so short, why don't you get it?
3. I believe conclusion number 2 came from my entering the ranks as a Cancer Survivor.
4. The folks being referenced in conclusion number 2 occupy more hours of my day than I'd like.
5. That more then anything wears me down.
6. I think I'm on my way to building up a resistance again, so it doesn't bother me as much. So I think I'll be OK.

Guess that's more than a few. Work in Progress.
Much Love,
Mark

[boyce]

Hey Mark,

I understand your frustrations....but the ONLY person that you can control is you. That's a tough fact, but if we will accept that and give up trying to make others do the right thing, and focus 100% on doing the right things ourselves, that time you spend worrying and that energy it drains will decrease to zero.

Continue to be a good example. Live your life by a code of honor. And let those others who don't do that accept their own consequences.